I’ve been following the news about P Diddy and Cassie, and it’s hard to describe the weight it carries. For a lot of women, her story is far from shocking.
For others like me it feels far too familiar.
People often ask why someone didn’t just leave. Let me tell you that when you’re caught in a trauma bond, leaving doesn’t feel like freedom it feels impossible and scary.
It feels like tearing yourself away from the only form of safety you know, even when that safety is wrapped in pain.
When someone hurts you and then shows you affection, your brain responds in powerful ways.
It releases dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin and endorphins, chemicals that create feelings of connection, pleasure and relief.
You begin to associate those fleeting moments of love with survival, so you keep going back for more, even though part of you is breaking.
They offer you comfort and then take it away, just when you think they have turned a corner and changed, they show you more pain.
It isn’t a case of wanting to make them into the person you want them to be, it is a case of not knowing who they will be each day, which version of them will you wake up next to.
Trust me, I know, I never knew what the day would be like until he woke up.
I remember the day I said to him that the success of our relationship depends on how your mood is each day and how you treat me because you scare me, and he replied, “ I know”.
I didn’t know he was taking drugs, and looking back I can see how angry he was without the drugs he told me he had quit but when he couldn’t get a hit or he had gone too long without a drink.
That is the really scary time when you can’t go to sleep in case you wake up to more violence.
They lift you up with charm and warmth, only to tear you down when you’re at your most open.
Lovebombing you into confusion, they up their game each time to make you think this time they are serious about changing.
Your thoughts start to lose clarity, you constantly question whether you are doing something to make them behave this way to you, why arent they like this with other people?
You begin to doubt yourself, and over time, you forget how to make decisions for your own wellbeing.
You focus entirely on keeping them happy, believing that if you can just get it right, the peace might last a little longer. If i please them then maybe today will be a good day, maybe they will want to change if they see how much I am willing to support them or tolerate.
Sometimes you try to go to therapy, and they will agree to it only to say they tried it and it didn’t work. Or that the therapist said you were the problem.
Sometimes as in my experience, they told him he was abusive and needed support to address his behaviour, so he quit and got even angrier; he told his friends I was abusive and a psycho and I was isolated even more as a punishment.
You don’t even realise how far you’ve drifted from yourself until the silence inside becomes unbearable.
Then, when you finally try to speak, when you reach out for help, that’s when another kind of pain begins.
People don’t always believe you, the police may brush you off and friends might say, “But he’s never been like that with me,” or “I’ve never seen that side of him.”
Those words stay with you, they make you question your own reality and they make you feel ashamed for even trying to be heard.
You start to wonder if maybe you were too sensitive, too dramatic
or just too much or if you are imagining how bad things really are.
The shame is consuming, trust me when I say this and it is not just because of what was done to you, but because of how humiliating it feels to explain something so private, only to be doubted or dismissed.
You feel exposed, foolish and silenced all over again you shrink back into the background because your feelings and needs don’t matter.
It becomes easier to stay quiet, to pretend it wasn’t that bad, even though deep down, you’re still carrying every scar from his words, actions or isolating you from the world.
Sometimes, in that place of confusion and hopelessness, it feels like the only way to stop the pain is to stop everything, not because you don’t want to live, but because you’ve forgotten how to exist without fear.
You can’t see any options or ways to leave and it is also it you don’t trust yourself to make the right choices.
Or you feel trapped and don’t know how to start to rebuild your life as they have piece by piece taken your life and identity away.
The person you used to be feels so far away that you start to believe you’ll never get her back.
If someone you love is going through something like this, please don’t push them.
Don’t tell them what they should do or why they should leave, this will only create shame and guilt in a person who already feels unworthy and embarrassed.
It’s not that simple, it really feels impossible, that is the strength of a trauma bond and abusive relationship.
What they need most is a space where they feel safe.
A space where they can speak without being questioned.
They can sit in silence if they need to and know that you won’t walk away.
They don’t need pressure.
They need your love, time and compassion as well as unwavering support.
Cassie’s story matters it really matters because it’s not rare, but because it is so common but we still don’t have enough legal support and we son’t talk about it enough and admit sometimes we turn a blind eye because we feel uncomfortable.
There are so many women still living this reality, still doubting themselves, still trying to be believed.
I hope that by speaking out, she gives strength to those who haven’t yet found their voice.
Maybe we can educate people not to gaslight other people’s experiences in the relationship, just because they don’t see that side of them, doesn’t mean you should dismiss it.
Abuse is not always obvious, and people really need to understand that abusers are not going to always abuse in front of you; they do it behind closed doors, slyly chipping away at you.
I also hope we begin to ask better questions.
Not “Why didn’t she leave?” but “What made her feel she couldn’t?”
“How did so many people normalise this? “
“Why did we turn a blind eye”
“Why is it too easy to blame the victim and judge what we do not know?’
If you need to talk about anything, feel free to message me in confidence. I am not interested in selling anything to you. I just want you to know there is a safe space for you if you need it.
Always with love
Natalie Xx